I feel like I hit bottom yesterday.
I should have felt it was a glorious day. I should have been extremely happy. My friend B took me out of town for the day, out into the GA mountains, brilliant with fall leaves and sunshine, seen from his speedy convertible.
I felt numb.
B kept asking if I was having fun, and what was wrong? It wasn't till the drive back that I found it, and cried silent tears. He and I finally talked about it.
I feel like I am a hopeless case and will be fat forever. This comes about now because my "fat" clothes are feeling tight. Also, B, who used to weigh 400lbs (at 6 feet tall), is now 247- 5-7 pounds less than I do.
Don't get me wrong, I don't have to be skinny. I've been down this road before and it's great for a few months and then for whatever emotional reason my weight climbs back up. It just feels worse this time.
B's going to refer me to his nutritionist, to start a food plan.
I've tried Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Atkins, and Fat Flush. I know logically it's all about reducing calorie intake, increasing calorie burn.
But none of this has solved the emotional reasons why I overeat. If I can't get to the heart of that, this time will be no different.
This is the picture that stirred me, and it's going to be on my computer desktop as a visual reminder.
Social Entropy
3 weeks ago
2 comments:
a nutritionist is probably only going to be helpful WITH a therapist (if as you say food is an emotional response).
My suggestion is an eating disorder therapist or an addiction therapist. I do not think that the 'run of the mill' therapist is equipped to handle the complexities of all of US.
And if you decide that you need medication - it is my firm belief that it must be regulated by a psychiatrist NOT a GP.
And anyone stopping by that thinks these are odd things for me to say - I found all of the above to be very helpful to me. I do not hide the fact that I see a psychiatrist and a therapist regularly. they have been a big part of getting better for me. That fat is the part we see. The food is the part that we can see. I think that there was a LOT behind the fat and behind the food that I couldn't see - and my therapist holds my hand as I sort through it. She is balance for me.
Hitting bottom is hard - hugs.
When I first met you, I was struck by your beauty. I never saw your weight. Your face had a beautiful shape and your eyes were this wonderful color that complimented your hair. And in addition to that, you dressed well and interacted confidently. I just never noticed your weight when I was with you. I know that was a long time ago, but you carried yourself in a way that didn't let your weight define you. When I gain weight, I pile on the clothes and cover up which brings even more attention to the issue itself. My sister who is much heavier than me dresses much better and the difference between us comes across in photographs -- me as frumpy, her as beaming. So here's a big virtual hug and a reminder that no matter where you're at, you're an amazing person to watch. I will be rooting for your recovery.
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