Thoughts, and a Starting Point

This is a piece I did last year. It's canvas board with acrylics, then henna on top. I post it today because A) I wasn't artsy yesterday and B) it's to remind me of the joy and magic in life.

I've been listening to A New Earth on audio cd. One of the quotes from yesterday stuck out to me. "Life is not as serious as our egoistic minds would have us believe" I am too serious much of the time. I take things seriously, sometimes when people joke in a deadpan way I don't get it at first.

I called up my assistant yesterday, and apologized. Apologized for anger and jealousy when there was no right to be. We talked, and I felt much better afterwards. My friend B, and the words of Eckhart Tolle, helped me to see that all this strife and stress and drama, is truly in my brain, the ego part of me, not the real self. That my thoughts want things to be so real, and so structured, but that I don't have to believe that my thoughts are me. They are simply thoughts. The voice in my brain that is always yammering away, whether in a negative critical voice, or simply narrating my life.

230 lbs.

This is my new starting point. I've kept off 13lbs from January, but have slowly been creeping back up. Yesterday I decided to get back on Fat Flush again, for serious rather than half-hearted. When I had horrible eating habits, my acid reflux came back with a vengence, especially over Spring Break.

B took my out for sushi last night, and I enjoyed that I stuck to the plan. I had sashimi, no rice, salad, sparkling water. It's hard when I feel like something's missing from not having that "lift" that converted carbs or sugar brings. But it's worth the end result.

Afterschool yesterday I got my allergy shot, then came home to a clean apartment. It was the most wonderful feeling. Rose was still in doggie daycare, so the atmosphere was one of calm and tranquility. Even my bed was made. I lay down on it for about an hour and half before getting up to pick her up.

Today we'll be at the dog park. I'm looking forward to it.

Oh and before I forget... I had a great dream last night. I was in a group of friends that went to conventions. This one was apparently in Boston, and had to do with Live Action Role Play. Now understand, I've never done that in real life. But I enjoyed it in the dream. We got to dress up and talk in different accents, and no one looked at us funny. In fact, when I *wasn't* in garb in the dream, I was noticed, and not in a good way. Much of the dream involved going to and from hotel rooms- which had this grand dark wood interior feel, playing darts, and trying not to let on that I hadn't registered for the convention. It was a wonderful dream, despite one of those "haywire elevator" moments- where the elevator you're in suddenly turns and swoops like a rollercoaster. I feel like I had an adventure, and it helps me to feel rested and relaxed to dream like that.

Henna Monday

This is the henna design I did on my hand last night. It's by Kiran Sahib from her Love Mehndi book. Sorry the picture isn't as sharp as I'd like it to be. I'll take another when the stain comes in fully. After the paste was dry I wrapped my hand in toilet paper like a mummy and slept in it overnight.

I woke up to a very cold apartment. I've had the windows open the past week, the weather's been so lovely that I haven't needed the heat or air on. The past two days it's been raining though. Finally stopped yesterday afternoon and the sun came out. This morning was cold. You can tell a new weather front is in. I had to wear a coat to walk Rose!

My assistant was out again yesterday. This time is was about her daughter. My assistant's been out a LOT this year, and last year the stress that caused her migraines and to not feel good was caused by the selling and buying of old and new homes. This year though, there's always something.

So after a fantastic weekend, I went to work cranky because I'd had 10 minutes notice that she wouldn't be there. I was jealous in a way, because sure, I'd have like to stayed home too. I'm ready for summer to be here, I admit it. Not that she doesn't always have valid reasons why she's out, but it's a LOT. It was a lot last year too.

When I started teaching kindergarten 10 years ago in TN, I didn't have an assistant. I was used to it. Now, I'm used to depending on her for certain things. I won't have her today (or Wed, or Thurs) since she has to go proctor CRCT tests in the upper grades.

I wanted to go in and vent to my principal (which I don't do often- but he'd rather we vent to him than to coworkers) but he wasn't in before I had to be in my room. I vented instead to the other kindergarten teachers, who gave me much sympathy because they don't see why she's out so much either. After work I went to talk to the principal, and was pretty calm about it.

It seems like she holds onto her pain. She holds onto her stress.

Is that a way to live? To constantly hold on to the negative?

Maybe that's what I've been doing with happiness. Focusing on unhappiness and holding on to it, rather than finding the joy in each day. I don't want to be a Pollyanna who always thinks the sun shines and makes other people sick, but I do want to have balance in my life.

hmmm... something to ponder.

Mental Health Saturday

I took yesterday as a "mental health" day even though it was a weekend day. I put Rose in doggie daycare, ate breakfast, came home and went back to sleep, later got up and did some art. Part of my goal for the day was to get to a point in my sleep where I'd paid up all the sleep deficit from the previous week. I wanted to dream well and remember them. I did! I had a fabulous dream of meeting people, artists and musicians, and it ended with me being asked to do henna for Miley Cyrus. Isn't that a hoot?!


This doodle began with me not knowing the end product so much as knowing that I wanted to do something strongly yet beautifully womanish. Something to remind myself of all the good. The basic figure and henna style designs are done in gel pen, and the colors on the outside are watercolor crayon. The monochromatic flowers outside the body are done in marker brush.

I've ordered A New Earth on cd. I'm intrigued by the notion that we are not our thoughts, more than our body and mind. I want to learn more. I've started listening to the free podcast of the classes he and Oprah have given. This was part of what I was listening to as I did the above art.

Today is my day to get things done. I've started dishes, and for anyone that knows me, that's saying something!

Breaking the Rules

By the end of the day yesterday, I was doing a lot better. Not sure what it was, but if you were out there sending good thoughts or vibes my way, or prayer, then it helped. Thank you.

The doodle in my last entry helped me to learn something. I was coloring it, following lines and having a kind of logic to how I went about it. When I changed what I did to be more aesthetically pleasing on a small bit, I heard my brain say:

"You can't do that, it's against the rules"

Wow. I heard my ego thinking. I heard the inner critic. And it helped me to realize why I have a lot of frustrations. I am rule based. I think I have to comply with "rules". Apparently it doesn't matter who makes the rules, or what they're about. Frustration comes when I see or perceive others that get to break or bend the Rules, and I want to but don't. Frustration comes when following the rules inhibits my joy and creativity.

I guess I need to learn when to break the rules, and that's it's ok for my inner self to break the rules.

Blockages

I'm feeling as if there's a clock piece wound very tightly inside me. That if I'm not careful it could burst out and my emotions would go everywhere.

Part of it has to do with being lonely.
Part of it has to do with job frustrations.
Part of it has to do with money, and the perceived lack thereof, and debt
Part of it has to do with inability to control my eating habits when I use it as a stress relief.
And part of it has to do with the fact that my fridge is near empty, and it's near the end of the month.

I think about retirement and savings and wanting a hybrid car someday and thinking... how on earth would I afford this? I get very down on me, about lack of discipline, whether it's eating or money.
Two people yesterday gave me sincere, nice compliments, and it didn't help. Because this... black cloud line of thought is coming from me, and I'm the one that's got to change it.

How?

How to unleash the happy, the wonderful, the fun? How to find it again?

Limoncello

I started a doodle this afternoon. One of those "unconscious, left-handed" doodles that you're supposed to look at and see things in it. I didn't see anything, so I added squiggles here and there until I did. It's still a work in progress though.

Tonight I really wanted to eat to cover up my feelings. I tried to, but I'm too lazy. From the meager offerings of my fridge I made a small meal of macaroni and cheese, and lemonade with limoncello. I've got no chocolate, no ice cream, no pizza, hell not even saltines or crackers of any kind.

What feelings am I covering up? Being lonely, no doubt.

I made Rose get up on the couch and snuggle with me. That made it better.

Amidst the Colors

When I started this journal page, I didn't know what the final outcome would be, or what it would look like. I'd bought tissue paper at Dollar Tree, in hopes of using it to transfer the paper's dye color to my art. Apparently it wasn't cheap enough :P The paper is colorfast, and I ended up instead affixing the paper directly to my journal.

I started a mehndi design from a book of traditional henna art I have. I left it unfinished last night, and completed it this morning.

Last night Mr. RPG called, and we repaired some of the damage that had happened between us. While I think it will be some time, if ever, that we date again (I don't want to hurt like that, even though the high was wonderful from the good times) I'm glad something positive to come of it.

This is what my sacred studio candle looked like when I found it was still lit after over 12 hours. Color me scared and relieved all at the same time. Wax has melted all down the top shelf to the shells and fabric below. So far I'm leaving it as is (sans flame) to remind me. I'm not sure yet what it's to remind me of... whether it's that things will be ok, no matter how scary they might seem, or that I should pay ATTENTION to the little things that might become large matters.

Yesterday I took Rose to the dog park again. This has become a daily ritual, and I'm not sure if she looks forward to it more than I do... ok, that's a silly statement because of course she looks forward to it more. But I love just being out there. It's a nice break in my day, where I can smile at the dog play, reflect on my day, and simply BE.

There was a beautiful yellow and black butterfly. It was flitting around joyfully, and I thought, how great that must be. To have been a slow, sluggish, pudgy caterpillar, and now be a lovely light butterfly. I had to mark the moment in my journal. I don't do justice to the actual creature, but this is it:The text says, "Butterflies are God's way of saying "Things will get better".

Seeing the Positive

Vickie at Baby Steps V made a post today about a great article that Ann wrote. It talks about energy boosters, and depleters, and how one of the biggest depleters is negative self talk. That many times in blogs we spill out our negative self talk onto our pages, rather than recounting the good. This strikes a chord in me, because I read inspiring positive blogs of women like Mother Henna and I want to be like them. I want to post positive inspiring messages that deal with the heart and art and helping to bring a positive outlook on life to others.

I've been feeling negative. Stressed out, burned out with work. I've cut my thumb, steamed my hand, and been forgetful of little things.

So in an effort to counterbalance the negatives, I want to list some positives.

• Thank you to my higher power for helping me remember to blow out my sacred studio candle, and for not letting it burn down my apartment.
• Thank you for a job to go to where the hours can fly by.
• Thank you for a job where I influence the lives of young people.
• Thank you for supportive coworkers.
• Thank you for a creatively painted room at work.
• Thank you for a 3-mile round trip commute to work.
• Thank you for the blessings of friends like B.
• Thank you for the love of my dog.
• Thank you for encouraging, supportive parents.
• Thank you for small reminders to keep my mind on little things, not just big.
• Thank you for being able to afford food AND gasoline.
• Thank you for the renewed spirit I'll have as I work on positives.

Sleepy Day

Today was a sleepy day. No matter how I tried, I couldn't get out of bed for good till almost noon. I suppose I needed it after the effects of the past week.

Today I reflected on the love of Rose. She's always there, ready to give love, ready to accept it. She lives in the now, not the future or the past. That can be a good way to live. Sometimes I wish I was more like that.

So my art journal today is dedicated to her. This is rather schmaltzy, but I liked it as a first try.

Melancholy

Tonight S came over and we ate Indian food, watched Dr. Who and then went upstairs to do some art. This was what came out of me.



Love must be like a drug, that causes chemical changes in the brain. I was walking on cloud nine, and now, I miss that heady feeling.

I'm not sure if it helped to do this piece, or made the feelings more apparent, and to the surface. I guess if I hadn't acknowledged it, I would have tried to bury it with food, or alcohol, or something.

The Art of Journaling

I've created Henna Rose with art journaling in mind. Time to put away the things of the past, and look to the now. The name comes from my two passions- Henna, and my dog Rose.


Today I started an art journal. This is my first page:


At first I was just doodling. Experimenting with the shiny new watercolor crayons I got. I drew in a couple henna-style flowers, added different colors. I started to feel like this mishmash of colors represented my feelings with regard to a rollercoaster romance. Over the watercolor I used gel pens, markers, and letter stamps. In tiny lettering you might be able to see the phrases, "Hope Blooms" "Infatuation Fades" and "Heart Mends".

I took the photo and let it dry. Several hours later I went back, and touched the lettering. The word emotions is smeared a bit now, but I think it adds to it overall. I'll have to remember to use a spray fixative.

New Start

I felt like it was time for a fresh start in blogland. We'll see.